I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
