Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
