Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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