my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
