I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
