If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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