So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
