I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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