Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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