I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
