I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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