my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize