Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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