Even the bartender felt bad for me
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
