you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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