You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
