I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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