Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
