your parents love me but you hate me
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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