Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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