No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
