One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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