I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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