took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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