Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Randomize
