I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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