I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
