I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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