He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
