david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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