so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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