there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Randomize
