5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
