Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
