Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
