There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
