I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize