This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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