i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
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