Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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