i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
