the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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