get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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