the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
