She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
