Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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