remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I did not marry a roomba.
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