I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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