Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
