hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
