You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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