i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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