You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
