i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize