Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
