She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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