I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Houston, we have a blender
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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